You can never truly predict the future. You can often guess and maybe even sometimes be right, but never can you really know what’s going to happen next. My brother would have turned 38 today would it not have been for the fact that he died a little over a year ago. If events would have developed as we thought they would we’d be sitting in his living room and giving him presents while he shows off his latest media equipment. But you can’t predict the future and that’s why we’re not there right now.

I miss my brother dearly; his quirks, his movie collection obsession, his voice. That is probably one of the things I miss the most; the ability to hear his voice. Maybe it’s because the last few years we talked on the phone a lot, I don’t know.

I am glad that I have my memories of him, and the few pictures that he ‘let us’ take of him. It is still very hard sometimes, but at least I have that.

A few things within the same theme:

As of two days ago Pluis and Stinky have a new home. Ever since my decision to leave for the Unites States my mother has taken in most of my cats. That made the total lot of cats go up to nine. These two in particular have always been the most ‘active’ ones. They were making some of the other cats nervous with their hectic behavior.

So this young couple contacted us a last week and wanted to take a look. They have a newborn child and want it to grow up with pets. They used to have a cat until recently, it died due to a heart condition. They seemed like very nice people and loving the kitties.

Pluis and Stinky are two very easygoing cats and not afraid of (new) people, social and playful. I’m sure they will do well there. The couple mentioned having a big garden so I know they’ll have fun in there. I’ll miss them though.

They say absence makes the heart go fonder. But if this takes any longer I fear my heart my just explode. I need to be home with my wife and kid, where I belong. Still no word from the embassy. We want a date, an approximate one at the very least. It’s been so long already and it is taking its toll on us. On both our physical and mental health.

I had my arm poked two days ago. The doctor that was in contact with us regarding my brother’s unfortunate passing, let us a know the results of his obduction few weeks ago. It wasn’t too far than what we were already told in the preliminary report.

He recommended that everyone in the immediate family should do a blood test for cholesterol because the possibly exists it is a genetic flaw. In which case we’ll have to pay more attention than usual on it. I should get the results very soon.

Cholesterol is a sneaky thing. Most people will think lightly about it and pay little mind on what they eat and do and how that affects their cholesterol. The fact that there’s barely, if any, noticeable symptoms go alongside with a too high cholesterol value. Until it’s too late that is.

There is a lot of misconception around it, such as the simplistic view that LDL=bad and HDL=good. Even a lot of tests only give you estimates and not an exact particle size measurement. For reference: a level of 5.2mmol/L or higher puts you in the borderline risk statistic, whereas a level of 6.2mmol/L or higher will make you an easy target for a stroke or heart attack.

A few days ago I stopped drinking sodas. It has been almost a week now. It’s not that I plan on giving it up altogether, but lately I was drinking a bit too many cans of Coke so I decided to stop for a while. Ever since I had my first sip of Mt. Dew it doesn’t really do anything for me anyway, I just want ‘The Dew’ which is hard to find here.

Ok, I wrote 11 new blog entries today which comprise about 3 months of events. This includes the passing of my brother and the service we held, as well as my wife and daughter’s first visit to the Netherlands when they meet the rest of the family for the very first time.

List of new blog entries, in chronological order:

• [2007/01/17] My brother passed away at the age of 36
• [2007/01/18] Saying goodbye..
• [2007/01/19] Making lifetime decisions with no time to think.
• [2007/01/22] The service was beautiful.
• [2007/02/04] The wait at the airport.
• [2007/02/04+05] They are really here!
• [2007/02/09] The beach
• [2007/02/15] It’s green..
• [2007/02/22] Bowl-O-Rama
• [2007/02/24] My baby flew away..
• Placement of the urn.

You can also find all of these in the new Mental Distress subcategory.

Note: These are ABRIDGED versions of the events, but as is my custom they are still very long. Also, several of them have pictures! They are currently only dated in the topic, to make my readers more aware of new entries, but I may move them to their proper dates sometime in the future.

Yesterday we had an appointment at the crematorium for the final placement of my brother’s urn. We (Mom, W, and myself) left just after 10am, met my dad at a local parking lot and we ate a little something before heading out.

We arrived at the crematorium at around 1pm where we first got to see the urn itself. It was beautiful and exactly as we had in mind when we gave them our wishes several weeks ago. It is a nice darkish blue with gold print. It has his full name on it, and the dates of birth and death. Beneath that is a cute kitty, also printed in gold. Nothing too fancy, he wouldn’t have wanted that.

The lady who helped us then retrieved the actual solid metal urn in which the ash is kept that will be placed inside the pretty shell. It has a lid on it with his name, the date of cremation, and several numbers which I guess are to ensure it is the correct person. This is what was the most difficult for my mom, being able to hold the actual urn that holds her son’s ashes. Too unreal. She got to place it inside. This was not something she ever expected to do. Your children are not supposed to die before you. The lady then ‘glued’ the lid on the blue urn and it was time to find it a spot.

We went outside and looked for available spots to place the urn. It didn’t take us long to find it, only a few were around the height that we wanted, and one of them just seemed kinda ‘cozy’ so we decided to have it placed there. They then cleaned the stone and retreived the urn and we got to place it exactly how we wanted it and add some items of our choice that we brought. They will glue the urn to the stone when it has properly dried.

After the placement mom then added a few items, a small decoravtive glass bowl that contains a tealight, a picture frame with the photo in there that we used at his cremation, and a card which all four of us wrote a little something in.

The urn will remain there for 5 years at which time we should receive a notice on whether or not to keep it for a longer duration, or choose to take it home or spread the ashes in the field which they have specifically for that purpose.

During all this, I had a hard time not to smile, ’cause I know that would have brought awkward questions for which it wasn’t the time. Yes, I am sad that my brother has passed away, but I am glad things went as they did; the cremation service, the urn, his cats. The main reason I actively participated in all this, besides the fact it helps the healing process, is not to say goodbye, but to ensure everything went as he would have wanted it.

I have already said my goodbye at an earlier time. I have to say, with no disrespect meant toward anyone, that I hold no affinity toward the last remains of a human shell. He was more than that, we all are, and that is what I choose to remember, and love.

I miss you Sascha.

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

There are tears on my pillow, both mine and yours. For today was the day we had to say goodbye once again, your 3 week visit had come to an end. A visit that was initially to be with me in my time of need, the grief I have over the loss of my brother, but as always you gave me so much more than merely support.

You gave me strength, hope, love, even joy, and everything else I wanted and needed. A smile when I woke up, the ability to hold you close whenever I desired (read: always), and a listening ear even if it meant waking you up in the middle of the night.

What you do for me, and TO me, is beyond words, it can only be felt or perhaps witnessed. Though I doubt anyone but us can truly understand what our relationship is like. It is the kind you only see in fantasies, or read about in romantic novels. It is divine. Our love, our devotion, our willingness, our openness, our honestly, our feelings, everything is simply perfect. Just as it should be. We are perfect for each other.

It was hard from the very second I had to let go of your hand an watch you leave towards your plane. And I know that it is going to get even harder for a while too. I stood at the gate for about half an hour, trying to make sure you actually made it past the checkpoints, and then I went to the upper area outside and watched your plane depart.

I have slept a little bit, your plane is scheduled to arrive at your first stop in about an hout. My heart is pounding. I need to hear your voice, I miss you so much. To lie down here in bed, without being able to feel your warmth, waking up just to see an empty spot next to mine, it hurts…

I need you…

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

Two days before my wife and kid were scheduled to depart once again to the USA we had a big bowling party in one of the nearby bowling alleys. A lot of family came with, for some this would be the last day they’d see her for a while.

I hadn’t bowled in years but I did remember always having a lot of fun trying, heh. I’ve heard my baby talk about it too so this would be something very fun to do. After much ordeal of finding the right size shoes (What’s with that anyway, those sizes don’t add up, I think I nearly went down 4 sizes!), and drinking our drinks we went to our lanes and started to roll over some pins.

We had loads of fun and I think I threw a strike once, I honestly don’t even remember. I know some of the other family members did really well! I’d love to bowl more often. It’s fun, and good exercise too!

We played several rounds, and although I got better with each round at the end, when they totalled all the scores, I had the lowest score of all the men. And Ellen had the lowest score for the women, heh. Too many gutterballs I guess. We got a prize though! ^_^

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

We’ve done a lot together over the past week my wife and daughter have been here, lots of shopping too, heh. Any excuse to show off my beloved! We also started on a big romantically themed jigsaw puzzle, but it turned out to be quite a difficult one. Almost half the pieces are simply a shade of pink!

We went to one of our nearby forests the other day too, Groenendaal, which also has a small petting zoo. Knowing they’d close early we went to that part first and say goats, ducks, a big ass pig, donkeys, and more. Lynda wanted to feed some of the goats, but as soon as they even think you have food you are swarmed. Sometimes they go as far as climbing all over you just to get the food. It’s funny when some lady has her 3 year old try that, heh.

Then we went into the woods, the ‘handyman’ came too. Though we call him that, and he does a lot of stuff for people, he’s not really all that handy. He means well though. This forest is pretty big, and there are several defined routes you can take, or choose to just wander. It is so pretty, it would’ve been even better if spring would’ve started but they would’ve been gone by then and I wanted them to see this.

In this particular forest they have lots of animals running around, though it can sometimes take a keen eye to find them. One of those animals is the Scottish Highlander, a big ox-like animal who are usually quite meek and friendly. I have petted some before, even by the head and horns, and I wanted my baby to do the same. So when we found one I urged her to get near it.

My wife, daughter and myself then started to approach the animal. It appeared to be eating some grass leaves or something. My wife was kinda scared but I assured her it was safe. But just as we were only a few inches away from it, he turned his head, pointed his horns toward us and started to charge!

OMG! Ruuuuun! He didn’t really follow us but he managed to rip off a button of my wife’s vest while she tried to push him away. (Yes, she actually put her hand on his face and tried to push it away when it came near.) He also scratched her shades that was in one of her pockets. Whew! That was close! Sorry baby, I did not think he would do that!

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

A few days after my wife and daughter’s arrival, we went to the beach. Specifically, we went to Sea Life. It is a museum-like place where you can walk around huge fishtanks to see the most unusual (and beautiful) fish in a recreation of their natural habitat. Ranging from big ass lobsters to tiny seahorsies, and from manta rays to sharks, this place has a lot of cool sea creatures to look at. Even piranhas!

Now I have to say I wasn’t too thrilled about going into some of those rooms, the lobsters I can’t even look at, I’ll just hold my baby real tight until we pass that area. The piranhas, although extremely fascinating, scare me. And that one room, where you go in a tunnel of air surrounded by oodles of creatures, including sharks and turtoises, was intimidating. Did I mention my fear of water?

I went through it all though, because I know my baby’s love for the sea and everything in it. After that we went for a short walk on the beach, next to the pier. She hadn’t even seen a coastline in so many years. The beach was riddled with shells, ours always is, and they just kept on picking up more and more!

There’s this big boulevard paralel of the beach, and though most of it wasn’t open yet (off season) we could go inside the mini ‘mall’ area and look around the various shops. They have neat things there, though not always very affordable. We eventually headed for the arcade and tried a few games. We played air hockey for a while, I love that game. I went against my wife, she went against our daughter, who in turn went against mom. I don’t really remember the scores, but that’s not important because I remember having fun.

Time for one more game? Of course! You can’t go into an arcade and not play at least one round of House of the Dead! I think they had 2, 3, and 4 there. So my wife and I tried our hand at 4. We got a lot further than we thought we would, but died at the hand/teeth of some boss creature in the tunnels. It was neat, I love those games.. I love arcades!

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

They are really here! It’s unbelievable! Thank God they made it! Finally a time for happiness. My wife always makes everything better, she heals my wounds and makes me whole. Yes, I know that phrase is extremely corny, but it’s true. She holds a piece of my heart, and takes it with her when she’s gone. Only when we are together it is whole, and I can truly be myself.

That last part sorta shocked my family as they don’t know me as someone to be highly affectionate, let alone ’sticky’. Hell, I think most of them thought I was gay before I ‘announced’ my marriage, heh. It is what she does to me, she is my beautiful wife, she is the perfect addition to my self, and she has always been, quite literally, my dreamgirl. Life make sense around her, she makes me feel wonderful and happy.

She met most of the family during the first 3 days of her stay, though she won’t remember most of them, heh.

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)

The time has finally come for you to join me and my family, and help me see the reasons I have for living, and support me while I grieve. I barely slept, just too busy tracking your flights on the internet, and I talked to you last while you were in Houston, TX waiting for your next flight. So nervous, so scared, I pray everything goes well.

Early in the morning we wait for the ‘welcoming party’ to fully arrive and then head out to the airport. It’s not a long drive, thank God, but my nerves are already shot. I keep praying everything will go well and they’ll let you in. I had all the information written down, but upon arrival at the airport I see the arrival gate changed from 5 to 4. So I guess that’s where we should wait for you.

So now all we can do is wait.. and wait.. and wait.. I spin my ring, the one you got for me, almost continuously. People are coming in through the doors (And you cannot see through them, I hate that!), but it’s not you. From what I could tell they were visitors from an middle eastern flight. I check the board and confirm. Ok, those flight times are similar I guess. More people come, still not you. I keep checking the tags on their bags to see where they are coming from, is your flight in there?

Time passes, a lot of time passes, your flight says arrived but I still don’t see you. People are coming out the doors again, and this time I see the Houston tag on their bags. Your flight is here, you are here, but where? Why am I not holding you yet? More people come out - still not you. This is getting ridiculous! Getting really scared now, I hear the others, no one really knows what’s up. We know your flight landed, because we saw the people from your plane depart. So where are you? Are you being detained? I wish I could just call you.

Then, I hear something truly terrifying. They are calling out my name over the speaker system, they ask me to come to the information desk. Oh God.. What’s going on? Is this where they tell me my wife has been sent back? We walk towards the desk and my mind is racing. I keep praying, “Please God! I need my wife!”. I was so scared.

As we get closer to the information desk, I hear one of us asking, “Is that them?”. I don’t know, I can’t tell with all the people in the way. I’m faceblind and from that distance, everyone just look like random people to me. But then I hear it.. “DADDY!” as my pretty daughter runs up to me and almost smacks me to the ground. They are here! Thank God! There is my wife I haven’t been able to hold and kiss for so many months. I don’t want to be apart ever again..

My mom walks up and she finally gets to meet her new daughter-in-law and granddaughter. The ‘welcoming party’ eventually walks up and introduce themselves. My baby has a family now! I am so happy, to finally be together again after so long. They take her bags as we start heading toward the car and head for home.

You can read my wife’s travellog of this flight here:
Akaska > Off to Neverland!

(Click on the pictures for larger versions.)