I blocked her MSN, AIM and Skype accounts. She still has ways to contact me, as she even has my home address, but I doubt she ever will. She sure never did when she still had the chance. Even if she does it would just be more meaningless words. She has lied to me so much throughout all this I can no longer distinguish the thruth from the lies.

One time she told me, well actually she told someone else to tell me, that she ‘lost it’ at work and had to be move herself to a private room where she then wrote a 7 page letter to me with tears on the pages. But she wasn’t going to send it. I’ve asked her to send it to me but she refused, I don’t even know if the letter ever really existed. I don’t even know if that whole situation actually happened, or if they were just more lies in an effort to make me come back to her.

I have added a previously unpublished blog entry which contains parts of an MSN conversation I had with her a while ago, you can read it here. Even though I have removed some parts of it, it is not a pretty sight. It does however make a good example of how cruel she could be to me.

I don’t know exactly why I let her do those things to me, but I’m done now. She needs serious help. This will hopefully be the last blog entry I will ever write about her.

Just as I thought she would, she did indeed message me today. She said she “wasn’t ready”, and that she did not understand why I love her. She says I do not love her. Well to be more precise, she says: “I need to believe that”.

She suffers from a great lack of self-esteem, I’d even go as far as saying she is filled with some form of self-hatred. Always feels she is not good enough. Sadly, she also does everything to make sure it stays like that, destroying all the good that comes her way.

They didn’t react as fast as I thought they would, but here’s the message I got today:

SOR: You have been banned from the Saga of Ryzom.Due to the circumstances listed here, we regret to inform you that you have been banned from the Saga of Ryzom: For continued abuse of another player (started under a previous account) in direct contravention of the codes of conduct.

Abuse? Hardly. In fact this is simply due to the fact that she called a Game Master (GM) on me several months ago after I told her I was talking to another girl. She completely freaked, as she always did at the sheer mention of another girl, saying things such as “Fine, be happy with her!”, “I hope she dies!”, and then she told this GM I was harassing her.

I tried to talk her out of it but she did it anyway. Only a few minutes later she already contacted me again, she was crying and she said she was sorry. Which is typical behaviour of her, pushing me away only to come back herself a while later. Several days later she told me to talk to her ‘in game’ again, but seeing she never undid her harassment claim, it eventually led to this.

Of course this very GM was the one I had been talking to for many months already about her. He knew almost every detail of what happened, and what she told me. He shared with me his life stories and we talked a lot about various things. Since it is private I cannot tell you the details of this but he certainly recognized very well what I was going through.

One time I actually got him to port over to her, and give her a personal message for me. Which is breaking the rules of GM’s, which he told me could’ve gotten him into trouble, but he did it for me regardless. He did tell me to never ask that again though. He has been very helpful to me all this time, for which I am very grateful, we talked for many hours almost daily.

He also told me the same thing everyone else kept telling me. That she is messed up, and I’m better off forgetting her and should move on with my life. But like I’ve said before, even when it was me who tried to leave her she would not let me. She would have a fit, screaming bloody murder, even threatening that she would never speak to me again if I left. (anyone see the irony in that?) And she knew exactly what to say to make me stay or make me come back.

As I wrote here yesterday, she lied to me last night. While thinking about it some more that fact just became more and more apparent. Her last words were almost like a recitation. Words spoken that she thought I needed to hear to move on. And in a way she was right, I pretty much asked her to do this to ease my suffering.

Why did she lie? Because of the one thing that she kept repeating, the same thing everyone else told me. That I deserved better. She was not wrong in saying that, we both knew it. The closer I came to her, the more she realized that she could not give me what I wanted, what I needed, so she did this instead.

I know it’s crazy, but I miss her.

Her parting words were nothing more than a pack of lies, and she should know better than that. We’ve shared too much for it to be true what she said. Even if what she said weren’t lies, that would just mean she lied even more during it all. Either way, she lied to me.

Since I was aware of what she did last time, her leaving me did not completely destroy me this time around. No, I came prepared with shields raised and was ready for the worst. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt, it hurt like hell, but at least it was not totally unexpected.

So now I am gone forever, and finally I know how this chapter of my life ends. In other words, more writing to be done. I have almost every written conversation with her logged, every piece of poetry conserved. I may turn it into a grand musical piece a la Marillion, I don’t know yet. I am not ready to face it all right now.

She has a lot of issues, and I was fully aware of her problems. But I was willing to take her with all of them. Nevertheless, it was what ultimately did us in. She could not be honest to me, and even though she kept saying she was sorry for the things she did, she kept on doing them just the same.

She said she was trying to change, trying to get better, which was the main reason I even gave this another chance at all. But nothing did change, nothing at all.

I guess the people that actually read this are wondering why I even loved her in the first place, and all I can say is that even though she put me through hell, the good times we shared were absolutely beautiful. It were moments of indescribable bliss, when she would finally lower those walls around her and let me bathe in her light.

That light has faded though, I have not seen it for a very long time. I had hoped that when I did came back to her she would show it to me again, but sadly, it was the opposite that happened. She turned into her alter ego; heartless.

And yet, even after all this, I’m still too good a person to hate her. I still love her, but the person I love is dead. She buried her. I tried my best to find her, but she was gone. What once was so easy for me to find has dissapeared, so there’s nothing left for me to go back to.

I truly hope she will get some professional help to deal with her problems, she will need to if she ever wants to be able to love someone fully, and unconditionally. And I still wish nothing more than the best for her, so I hope she finds what she’s looking for some day.

So now it is time for me to grieve, to be in sorrow over what I have lost, and then I will have to move on and try and find that someone special for me, who I know is out there.

I live to love, and I will die for mine.

[ The above has been written almost instantly after it happened. ]

So, she msg’d me on MSN again today.

Her: i love you
Her: i know you hate me.
Her: just wanted to say i was sorry that things went so wrong.
Her: i dont expect u to come back to me.
Her: Im a bitch and u dont deserve any of what i did
Her: u were always to good for me

^ What she thinks I want to hear.

We talk a bit, then I tell her I’ve been talking to people ‘n stuff. You know, socializing.. Like normal human beings do?

Here’s how she responded to that:

Her: i hate knowing of u spending so much time wiht other people
Her: it makes me sick and mad at you really.

Me: atleast they talked back to me

Her: you flipped out everytime we talked.
Her: everyint
Her: time*
Her: all wed do was argue,
Her: and i coudlnt handle that

Me: you never talked, and spent all your time with other people.. how can you be mad at me for ding the same?
Me: days went by without you saying a single word to me. so yeah.. I will spend time with other people..

I tell her I met my new best friend this way, and she ’switches’ again:

Her: right awesome yep.
Her: done again
Her: bye

Her: she can kiss my ass and i will slit her throat

^ So first she says I always ‘flipped out’ when we talked, then she does what she has always done. Turn into the bitch from hell.

I talk to one girl and she goes nuts, always has. She talks to a dozen guys a day but I was never allowed to comment on that. I tell her that’s one helluva way to show me that she loves me, and asked her why she acts this way just ’cause I have a good friend to talk to. (I know the answer, but she won’t tell me that of course, instead she just says she hates her, etc..)
Then she finally says:

Her: i need to go now. everytime i get upset. i get sick all over.
Her: i dont feel like going to the hospital again
Her: so good night

^ Note how just before leaving she tries to get me worried by ‘casually’ mentioning the hospital in there.

She came back little over an hour later and just said:

Her: :/

Nothing else. Maybe she realized she was being a bitch, or maybe she was dissapointed in the fact that I didn’t respond to her hospital comment. I dunno. Whatever the reason, it perfectly illustrates her inability to just tell me the truth and not play these stupid games.Remember, she started by saying this:

Her: Im a bitch and u dont deserve any of what i did

Only to do it again 30 minutes later.

Title courtesy of Frank Zappa.

I may be a bastard, but I’m not an asshole. So I’m glueing my heart back together and moving the fuck on with my life.

Guess what? Thursday morning she told me she (finally) broke up with her boyfriend. As for the reason why, it was because some guy told her the day before that he ‘liked’ her. He’s not the first to tell her that, many have, but she certainly never left her boyfriend over it. Foolishly I actually hoped to hear her say: “I left him because I love you and I want to be with you.”. But she didn’t say that, in fact, again she did not even say she loved me at all.

She added to say she was going to try and get back in touch with real life again, after being stuck in an MMORPG for so long. Said she realized it was an escape, yada yada. Basicly just rehashing what I had told her in an earlier conversation so I don’t know how much weight I should put into those words. Especially given the fact that she still remains logged into the game 24/7.

She has lied to me so much in all this time I can’t really trust what she says anymore. I rarely called her on it, ’cause I was an idiot in love, but she constantly lied about when she had to go, where she was, or why she couldn’t talk to me.

To cite just one incident of what she did to me; it was a monday morning and a time she was supposed to be at work, yet she was still at home. I asked her why she didn’t go, and she told me she didn’t “feel like it”. This already struck me as odd, as she had always told me she has to go no matter what, or she might lose her job, but ah well.

Next day, again she stayed at home, so I ask her why she stayed home this time and she gives me the same reason again. I tell her I’m worried she might lose her job if she keep doing this and finally she tells me she had the fucking week off. WTF? She could have just told me that in the first place but nooo, she chose to lie to me for two days straight! Why? Probably so I would worry and give her some fucking attention. Bitch!

And that’s just one thing out of the many cruel things she did to me. In the time I was with her I cried more than I have in my entire life, and I told her that too. She never expressed any interest in my life at all, it always had to be about her. In the few moments of clarity that I had I tried to leave her, but she knew exactly what to do to get me back. One time she went so far that I heard her cry and begging me to simply talk to her. So the next day I did talk and guess what she did? That’s right, she turned into the mistress of pain again. Bitch!

As my sibling Yalborap put it, she was playing me like the world’s smallest violin. She actually seemed to enjoy it at times too, watching me squirm into all kinds of corners trying to please her. She could turn into the most cruel, vile and vicous cunt that I have ever met. She managed to bring me back down to a place I hadn’t been in years and made me lose control. Did she care? Nope. In fact she just kept on torturing me even more. Bitch!

She is a predator, and pretty much every single guy that crosses her path is her prey. Now I’ll be going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she does most of this stuff on a subconcious level, but certainly not fucking all of it. I know she’s fully aware of some of the shit she pulls, and what she has pulled on me.

She will tell almost any guy that she loves him, claiming those words don’t mean that much to her, it is the equivalent of saying she likes them. However, say it 200 times to a guy and he’ll start to think otherwise. (DUH?!) So she had to tell a lot of them to go away after they tell her they think they love her (and that she really loves them).

She will toy with them, playing all those mindgames and then when they finally get too close she’ll cast them aside and say “Oh, but I have a boyfriend.”. Well stop fucking around with other guys then, bitch! She even goes so far that in this MMORPG she plays she married a guy that’s married in real life, telling him she loves him constantly and hovering around him like a bee in honey heaven.

Of course that guy is also a complete dick for doing this. Hell, he’ll spend his fucking birthday with her rather than being with his fucking wife, that’s how much power she’s able to have over guys. And she just loves the fact that she’s able to do that to a married guy! Bitch!

Once she’s done with one and drained him of all his energy and he no longer gives what she wants, she will simply throw him into the recycle bin, ignore him and move on to the next sucker to do it all over again. All this to make herself feel better. ‘Cause she’s a selfabsorbed, selfcentered, pityful bitch that will do anything to get the attention she wants.

It doesn’t stop there, in this game she let me ’sit’ with her (close) for hours on end. This is something she let me do for a very long period of time, but then she told me it had to stop ’cause her boyfriend didn’t like it. In that very same conversation she told me “I think we’re breaking up tho”. But that was months ago and she never did. Then what did she do next? She let several other guys do the very same thing, again of course giving them the impression she likes them more than just as friends. Did she tell any of them they could not do that? Nuh uh. Bitch!

Let me just recap a few things that she did:

- She would tell a dozen guys she loves them on a daily basis. She would tell me she loved me maybe once a month.
- She would say she missed me, yet I was there every fucking day. If she missed me so much she knew how to contact me. She chose to be with all those other guys that fawned over her though.
- She sometimes ignored me for days on end, not one single word spoken. One time I didn’t hear her voice for 28 days straight claiming “if I heard your voice now I will cry and never stop”. Wish I could say that was the longest time, but the last time I heard her voice was in early january.
- She would tell me she took all the pills she could find, hoping to die, and then stop talking after saying that, leaving me extremely worried. ‘Course then I find out the next day she was just “having fun with friends”. Oh that’s great hun, I’m glad you had fun while I was fucking crying, fearing you may have died or be in the fucking hospital. Bitch!

There’s a LOT more shit she pulled, and I took it all, I bent over backwards for her and I was in an emotional rollercoaster ride for a very long time. I kept telling her she was destroying me.. No response. Shit, she didn’t even respond to the poetry I had written for her, the most she has ever said about them was “I read it.”. Well whoopdeedoo! Bitch!

Now, I’m pretty strong, due to the fact I’ve gone through a massive amount of shit in my life, and that’s why I was able to take this for so long. Much longer than any other of her victims anyway, but ultimately she did manage to break me and seemed to fucking enjoy it too.

‘Course she has also been drinking (while telling me earlier she had a kidney infection and getting mad at me for being worried about her drinking in her condition, WTF?), and when she gets drunk she can make satan himself run with his tail between his legs. I’ve seen evil in many forms, but she goes beyond anything I’ve ever encountered when she’s drunk, she will BE evil.

So.. To answer a few questions:

- Do I hate her?
God, I tried to hate her, several times, but I just can’t as I’m not a hating kinda guy. Instead I just pity her, realizing that if she does not sincerely change this horrible part of her that she will die alone, without any real friends, nor a man to truly call her own.

- Do I love her?
In some way I always will, for all eternity she will be a part of me. Because despite the horror she made me go through there were some incredibly good times as well.

- Would I take her back?
I so want to say yes, I really do, but the fact remains that she had completely destroyed me, and she did that knowingly. I also don’t trust her, ’cause she has broken that trust way too many times. It would take a very long time to rebuild that trust.

- What will I do if she talks to me?
Try and keep my distance. I won’t tell her I love her anymore, or tell her I miss her, ’cause she never tells me those things herself. I’d like to be able to be there for her as a friend, but honestly, I don’t even know if I can handle that right now.

- So now what?
She needs professional help. This problem of hers will not go away easily, and it will take an extensive amount of reflection to first figure out why she does these things, and then the hard part of trying to fix it all. Emotionally speaking, she is still a child. I’m sure she loves me, but she doesn’t know how to deal with that in her current state. So I’m moving on.

- Would I take her back when she’s better?
Maybe.. But just maybe.. And only if I was sure it was true and I would still be single. ‘Cause I may want to wait for her on some level, but I just can’t stick around and wait for a girl that can’t even say she loves me. So it is highly unlikely to happen.

Just to clarify:
The above was written in response to her bad side, which is truly evil. She does have a good side, and it is true beauty, or I would not have loved her as much as I did. Don’t judge me, her, or our situation on these short writings alone. I type this out as a form of therapy. It is incomplete, and in some cases may not even be entirely true.

This is not exactly the blog entry I had hoped to write today, but life can make weird leaps sometimes I guess.

Today is especially hard for me, as not only is it valentine’s day which I’m spending alone again instead of being with her, but it’s also a constant reminder of when I lost my first love, it was her birthday on the 10th. She was a special girl, way out of my league (especially back then), yet she accepted and wore the ring I got for her. Even her parents liked me, God knows why. We were very young, so nothing really happened, but we did spend a lot of time together for quite some time.

Of course, then I screwed up. One single lie and she threw the ring back in my face and it was all over. I tried to keep my composure until she left the room, and then I broke down in tears. I tried to make things right but I went about it the wrong way. And as cliche as it sounds, two wrongs don’t make a right. So I left her alone and tried to move on.

She still sends me cards every single year for christmas and my birthday. Always asking me how I’m doing, if I’m alright and giving a little tidbit about herself and adds her address. I used to send her cards for her birthday at first, but the pain became too great and I just could not bear it anymore. Later on a second name was added, apparently she found someone to love, and the last time I got a card from her, she added that they were going to get married this month. I cannot begin to express how painful it was to read that. I’m happy for her of course, but it hurt nonetheless. So I had planned on writing her a letter this time, saying that I’m sorry for not writing sooner, and that I wanted to attend the wedding. But I never did. I wanted to, even considered calling her today, but I didn’t.

So last year I found another girl, a special girl. It was a chance encounter, but a destined love? Technically she was taken, she had a boyfriend, but I say technically ’cause they only met like twice as they don’t live in the same state and she could not stop complaining about him. She said he didn’t call, didn’t write, didn’t talk, didn’t understand her at all and even when they did talk it was short and trivial.

I was just being myself, supportive and kind to someone who needed a friend, but as she let me get closer the inevitable happened. I fell in love. I needed to be sure it wasn’t just a crush so I took my time. It was on halloween night when I finally told her, I made her confront her boyfriend a few days before and she told me all that happened. She was sending me more pictures of herself and I said she made things hard for me. Of course she wanted to know why and pretty much dragged it out of me. She was confused and didn’t really know what to do about what I told her.

Now you’d think she would’ve told me to back off, but instead she kept me close. Over time it became clear it wasn’t just me who felt this way, she felt the same way. The longer we stayed together the more serious it became, and more problematic. I tried to leave her several times but every single time she begged me stay with her. Yet, for whatever reason, she would not commit to me.

She was most likely just afraid, because I did things for her no one else ever did. I wrote her poetry in a very special fashion, about everything we had been through. Sometimes small, sometimes not. I endured grueling ordeals for her, was threatened by her ‘friends’, and still I stayed. Sometimes she would push me away, only to have me come back later again, saying she was sorry. She could not deal with this, deal with me. She had a lot of problems and I was just making it all more complicated.

I didn’t like this, I didn’t like it one bit. It got me very frustrated and I made some stupid mistakes because of it. Yet she always forgave me and came back, even after thinking I had lost her for good. One time I even told her boyfriend everything that was going on and I was sure she would not even speak with me again, as she had told me that herself. But she did, she did.

Was I the only one doing wrong? Hardly. She didn’t treat me right and she knew it. She is basicly two people, and one of them I hate. That’s the part of her that ignored me, pushed me away, and did several other things that I’d rather not mention here right now. But it’s the other part of her that I fell in love with, which she keeps hidden very deeply inside of her, only letting it out on very rare and intimate moments. And when she did that, it was like heaven. She called me beautiful names, each time prettier than the last and I didn’t want those moments to ever end.

Sometimes I think she doesn’t really understand what love is supposed to be, that she never had experienced true love up to now. That because she has only received hurting so far that she was expecting to get that again. And in a way she did, but she made damn sure it would go that way, to prove to herself that these things did not exist.

Then very recently it all ended in a very ugly conflict and she was gone for good, never coming back. Or so I thought, ’cause again she is still haunting me, torturing me, she messages me every so often, saying she misses me, even asking me to wait for her, yet she cannot even say the words “I love you” to me anymore. She has talked to a mutual friend of ours a few times, and she will say all the things I always wanted to hear but she acts in the exact opposite.

I was with her, right next to her, for months. Every single day I showed my love to her. If she truly wanted to be with me as she said then all she had to do was reach out and grab me.

Someday I will be able to write down all that has happened, but for now, this is as much I can share at the moment. The pain is too great.

So this isn’t really how I pictured my valentine’s day this year. But here I sit, suffering and hurting, and I want to die.

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

(c) Three Days Grace

My best friend told me listen to the song above.
It expresses my feelings almost perfectly.

I actually did it this time.

Account terminated!

So much left unsaid..
So many questions unanswered..

*sigh*

Great, just after I posted my previous entry I fuck up big time and it’s fucking over.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Why couldn’t I have stayed fucking quiet!