Well here’s a short post over how the weirdest shit happens.

In my bathroom we have a small shower with one of those massager showerheads that feels really good when the water is really hot. As I do every night I head in to take my shower, I’m washing my hair when suddenly I feel a huge pain in my shoulder and hear a huge cracking noise. The shower head somehow came off the wall and hit me with the force of the water behind it. A trip to the doctor’s post confirms it, my collar bone is broken. I’m not even sure the doctor believed my story as she kinda raised an eyebrow at me as I was explaining it. She poked around on it.. does this hurt? does this hurt? as I scream hmm yes guess it does.

So in short from one five minute shower I ended up with my arm in a sling for 4 weeks, 4 weeks off work at least and a hell of a lot of pain. Oh and the final topping to this cake, it’s my left collerbone, and I’m left handed so i can’t write either.

Well now it’s 2 weeks later and I had a checkup with my doctor yesterday, her first comment, yup still broken… I love this new doctor she’s funny. She said there’s a definate dimple in the bone which could mean that it’s either not set right or more probably the bone chipped. Either way there’s definitely a lot of bleeding in my shoulder and I still can’t use my arm, and shouldn’t. She gave me some muscle relaxers to make sure my neck doesn’t get over stressed due to the sling I have to wear all the time and agreed that I need at least 2 more weeks off work.

Well I haven’t broken anything since I was very young and with my doctor’s course I realize all the things that depend on such a small bone and I don’t want to damage the functionality of my arm of the muscles so I’m doing exactly as they say and doing nothing and taking all the time off that they recommend. The .. good… bad.. coincidental .. thing is that I’m off work till at least the 14th then I go back on leave for my surgery on the 25th for another minimum of 4 weeks. My work hates me right about now.

As Aba said, this would be hella funny had it happened to someone else… talk about freak accident, how many ppl can break their collar bone in the shower? Well I always said I am the exception, if theres 1,000,000,000 / 1 shot it can happen, I’ll get it, never fails.

Oh well, here’s my funny and bizzare tale for today.

Sometimes things just don’t make sense and no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t work. Since I have made my decision to move here to Holland to be with my husband and his family I have made many sacrifices and lost quite a bit. All things I have accepted in order to make this happen and so we can be together and happy.

The last loss I have suffered was not at my hands however, I have tried for many months now to see whats going wrong and trying to fix it. However, somethings can only be fixed with the co-operation of all involved, such is the case now.

I have a friend or rather had a friend. She was my best friend, closer to me then even my family was. We have been there for each other through everything, divorces, kids, deaths.. even the funeral for her bird. Almost 25 years we have been friends. We spent at least 10 hours a day on the phone and when we lived closer were together constantly.

When I met my husband she was happy for me but worried cause it was over the internet and we had just gone through some scary stuff because of her internet relationship. They talked and over time became kinda friends, she is a little overwhelming sometimes. When he came to visit me in the states she was very happy for me and glad he finally made it here and of course we talked a lot on the phone about all that was going on. We got married while he was visiting me and she got, what seemed like, scared. When we started making plans for my husband to move to the states she was happy and wanted to see if we would move there by her so we can all be together. Then the unthinkable happened and my husband was denied entry into the US. OK, time to change plans.. If he can’t come here, I’ll go there. Here is where everything changed.

She started asking me if I was really ready to “throw my life away” for “some guy” and how do I know what he really wants from me. “Do you really trust him, a strange guy, around your daughter?” Questions that blew my mind and hurt me terribly. As we got closer to making the move a reality she started saying things like, “it’ll never work”, “I can’t believe you’re abandoning me for some guy”. Her statements got worse over time and the day we were to fly out of the country she actually accused my husband of doing this deliberately to take me away from her. Needless to say this was all a shock to me, I hung up got on my plane and didn’t call her again for a few months. When i finally did email her I let her know the things she did to hurt me and that was the reason why I hadn’t contacted, probably don’t need to mention here that in those months she never emailed me either. She emailed me back a few days later with a reply that said, I had hurt HER and I should have realized how much MY leaving would hurt those around me, and that she couldn’t believe that my husband had put me in a position to give up everything I had for him, which consisted of an ex hunting me down, dead end job, 15,000$ in debt, and facing loosing my house. And she is very busy now with school and working (at home) to be able to talk much anymore, I’m not sure how that works since I have a job, school (medical school in a foreign language) and 2 family nights a week, still play a decent amount of WoW and manage to chat all night and have time for other ppl. True to those words she has logged on MSN only a few times and only responded to my messages 2 times. I have sent a few emails that have gone unanswered and the last time she logged on MSN I messaged her to say hi, and she changed her to message to *DAVE message me- not answering IM’s*. I have not heard from her since.

So I guess the time comes for me to say goodbye to a 25 year friendship and my last emotional tie to the US. At least I can honestly say I tried. This is probably the most painful thing she could have ever done to me. Somehow I’m sure it’s all my fault to her.

Oh well, Game Over.

With a heavy heart I report the loss of a very dear person. Sascha, my brother -in-law. I had hoped that when I could finaly get to Holland where my husband is from, and his family is, that I would have an oppertunity to meet Sascha, unfortunatly that won’t happen. I was informed this morning that he is lost to us.

I grieve for my new family and for my husband, the loss of a sibling and a son is so very hard. I just wish I could be there to help support him and help him through this hard time.

To the family.. I grieve for your loss and we are very sorry for your pain.
To my husband .. i’m so very sorry baby, I know Sascha met alot to you and i’m sorry I can’t be there for you. I will try to do everything I can to help you, maybe theres a way I can come. I can’t promise anything but i’ll try. I love you.

We will miss you Sascha, you are loved even tho we never got the chance to see you. I did get the chance to talk to you a few times, allways giggling tho I didn’t understand what you said it was still great that you called.

Sascha 6-1-70 / 1-17-07

.. FINAL…

I am free!

Today I go to court ..
Will it be the last time?…
Can it be final..
… to be continued

Fear…
cowardice…
contemlplation..
….

I go …

I wrote this a long time ago…

IF it were possible to lay down and die, I would this day instead of just cry
My heart is dead and I cannot find the way to make it blind
To the pain of life, of love, of loss.
They say that to live one must endure
but just how much I cant concure.
It dosent seem fair to live in despare.
If this is gods plan, then I feel damned
Forever doomed to live in pain and fear
Of life, of love and loss
For all of my life, those I loved most, all are lost.

For Kathleen and James
Mommy loves you and Ill never forget you.

What am I ?

I am a mother…
I am a lover…
I am an artist…
I am a minister…
I am a priestess…
I am a candle maker…
I am a jewelry maker…

I am a failure….
I am a whore…
I am a perverter…
I am the anti-christ…
I am the judge…
…………
I am the destructor…

Who am I ?

“It’s My Life”

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
‘Cause it’s my life

Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
‘Cause I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive

It’s my life
@ By Bon Jovi

Music is one of my retreats….this song freed my heart…gave me my life back …. and made my new life possible..

why is it when we want ppl they tend to run away ..yet when we dont want them they wont let go …how do you make some one let go ….hatred doesnt work ..anger…nothing works so, what then is the answer…..

” i wont give up…and youll never have anyone else”

am i truly doomed to these words…..if so..what then is the point….
is there a point?
..mayby….

I think ill go down to the river……..
its nice and peacefull there