This is the day my brother was cremated. We had very little time to plan his service, it was all so sudden, and now we get to see if we did good. We were hoping for a good turnout.
When we were done in the morning getting dressed and all that, and the people that were going to drive along with us arrived, we started to drive toward the cremation center. We chose to do it in his home town for it was the place he loved, and lived.
When we arrived there were already a whole bunch of people gathered inside, some of them writing in the condolence register. We were escorted to the back, which was reserved for the family. Usually that room is only for immediate family but we chose to have all of the family there, both sides. All of the family showed up, the only exceptions were one of my aunts that lives in Ireland and could not make it here in time, and my wife and daughter. Other than that, everyone was here, cousins too. Even dad’s side of the family was there. We were worried not all of them would come. thankfully they did.
A few minutes later we were informed that if people who wanted to go see my brother (we chose to go with an open casket), that they could go now. Family would go first, then friends and others could go. Mom went inside the room along with several of her sisters. Dad and I already make our decision not to go when we went to his apartment the day after his passing. When mom came back, she said he looked good, “as if he is just sleeping”.
When the time passed and we were told the casket was going to be closed, it was then time to start the actual service. Again, family would go in first, followed by the rest who were waiting in a different room.
The music started playing as soon as mom, dad, and myself walked into the big room where his body laid in the casket, which was now closed. This first song, which was of my choosing, was Rammstein with Stirb Nicht Fur Mir (Don’t die before I do). It was loud, but not too loud, and the quality was good. I picked that song not just because of the lyrics, but because it was one of his favorite bands, and this was a nice ballad that gave a good starting vibe for all the people as they entered the room.
When the music was done and everyone was seated, the man who was in charge of this service, the same man who we met just a few days before to talk about the possibilities, walked up to the speaker’s stage and opened by doing the ‘formal’ thing. Who we are here to commemorate, and so on. He then requested me to walk up to the stage, as I chose to do my speech first.
I had some ideas while trying to come up with things, but I wasn’t sure how to exactly present it. Would I do it in dutch? English? Both? Who do I address it to? Him, or the gathering of people? What tone of voice? Should I fill it with silly anecdotes about his life, or do a more ‘formal’ type of thing. I did start to write parts in dutch, but then scrapped all that and wrote the whole thing in english. I sent it to my wife to read, to hear what she thought of it, and then I was done.
Here’s what I wrote and spoke that day. It took me a minute, maybe two, to actually start to speak, but I had a cousin at my side in case I couldn’t do it. (Who I also held firmly as a ‘placeholder’ for my wife, who couldn’t be here.) Though she was crying badly after a few lines so I highly doubt she could’ve done it in my place, heh. I looked up and and made a comment about the amount of people that showed up. I just really wanted to see how many people were there. Anyway, here’s what I said:
Sascha,
You were never one for overly dramatic and emotional stuff, so I’ll do my best to try and keep this short.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say for the past few days,
I considered writing a poem, or do some parts in Dutch,
but in the end I opted for something more straightforward.
You may not have been one to openly show your emotions, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t care. Whether you said the words or not, I knew that you loved me, that was clear in your actions.
You were concerned about my wellbeing, ’cause I always had so many problems trying to deal with the world around me. And you were glad that I finally found happiness… I found a wife, a kid, a reason to live.
You have been my brother for 30 years, and in that time we’ve been through a lot. We’ve had our share of ’sibling rivalry’, and we’ve seen each other grow and change as the years passed.
I remember your laugh, I remember your smile,
I remember you with your short hair and all brand clothes,
I remember playing Legos with you,
I remember playing God knows how many (video) games with you, (and board games too!)
I remember you introducing me to the ‘metal mania’ that would change my life,
and I remember watching horror movies with you since I was like 6 years old.
We both grew up to be very avid horror fanatics, we could live on ‘blood and gore’, it was fantastic.
Even though I am hurting right now, and sad ’cause you left this world..
You will never be completely gone from my life, ’cause I have my memories..
..and part of your legacy that you left behind… still lives inside of me.
I will love and remember you for all eternity.
While this was very hard to say, I managed to do it, and I am very glad I did. It wasn’t easy to stand right next to the casket, with the big candles lit along either side, his picture on top of it, two framed poems on the floor as well as a flower arrangement.
The next song started to play when I got seated, the one mom chose. It was Helmut Lotti with I Don’t Know Why. A nice song about the loss of a loved one. He is one of my mom’s favorite artists.
Then, it was her turn to stand up and speak. She had a sister by her side for support. She tried to start quickly, but that almost broke her right away. She had to take a little time, breath, and start again. This time she would finish it. They were her words, she wanted to say them herself, and she was going to.
She touched various topics, such as his scheduled trip to the Czech Republic which would’ve been his first flight, the ‘ritual’ of getting his hair cut whenever he dropped by, and several other things like his habit of calling her when he needed advice on what to buy for his guests, and how much. She thanked a few people in the end, two of my brother’s friends in particular who almost weren’t invited due to a misunderstanding.
Once she sat back down the man came up and requested us to stand up, if able to, and have a brief moment of silence before continuing to the reception room. Everyone stood up and were silent, it didn’t take long for mom to break out in tears and that is when the final song started playing. It was another Rammstein song of my choosing. I picked Ohne Dich to be played at the end, for people to listen to while going past the casket one last time and into the next room. I deemed it fitting and it must’ve played at least 3 times because of the sheer amount of people that were here for his service.
In the reception room we then got to actually shake hands or hug everyone that came here. It was a long and seemingly endless line of people, over one hundred showed up. This included both sides of the family, friends, co-workers, and even his old boss who gave him a chance at the local KIA garage so many years ago. He said he turned out to be a very apt and valuable member of the team and swiftly worked his way up.
I ate a few sandwiches, and talked to several people. It was nice to see that my brother touched so many people. After we met everyone and talked and/or mingled a little, it was time to go.
We had made reservations at one of the local restaurants for the family, to have one big meal together. More came then expected though, and we almost didn’t fit in there. They had to re-arrange some tables to get us all inside. It cost a small fortune, but the food was good.
I am glad everything went as planned. It was beautiful.
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