Been meaning to put this up for a few days, heh but it’s taken me a bit to get it all sorted.
I thought never to find someone with an intensity to match mine, someone that wont say “your exausting to be around”, someone that can understand my obsessive behavior. I am not an easy person to be around. When I get into something it’s whole heartly and passionatly. I am a “now” person, when I decide it’s time to do something, its NOW not later. My kids can testify to that one. Ah yes, there is another thing. Tell a guy, ok well 98% of them, I have a kid, just one, and they suddenly remember a previous dire engagement. Then say ok well I have 3, starting at 16. I actually use this to make guys go away when I don’t want to be hit on. It works FAST. I am hyper-emotional and I am real good at giving out my emotions to others. Weather they want them or not. I fly from giddly happy to absolute desolation in seconds, and that’s the good times.

Ahh but you! Not only DIDN”T you run but you came closer, inside my darkness where I hide within my self. You have seen the torment in my soul and it doesn’t scare you. You say, obsessive? I like that! Kids? Oh I can’t wait!…not only do you accept them but want them….and WOW they love you too… I can’t believe how remarkable you are, so alike we are. Tho I been saying that for months now, how much we have in common. I never thought to take this friendship to this level. I allways said, ah but his heart lies elsewhere, I can’t bring anyone into this darkness that is my life.

You see I have known for some time now how you felt, and when I realised it I didn’t know what to do at first. Your heart was with her and mine was preoccupied as well. Both of us in hell but I knew you had to finish what you had started, that you HAD to see that to the end, as bitter as I knew that must be. I cried to see you in so much pain daily, To watch you try and try and she never even responed. How many times did I tell you, you are so special, any girl would kill to have a guy like you, and dreams and prays for you.

When I realised how you felt my heart skipped, and I thought ah but this cannot be. My heart was such at the time that I did not know truly how i felt. I knew that when you weren’t around I ached for you. I was allways checking my phone to see if you had texted me, knowing it would be in pain but wanting so bad for any contact. I found myself wanting to write to you, just because. And then you called me…one day outa the blue. By then I knew my heart…ahh but nothing I could do about it, your heart was still not your own , tho i knew you were beginning to realise it as well. That time I heard your voice, for the first time in so very long, ah and it had been many months since I have heard you. I couldn’t think for the rest of the day! I had to think ahh I know how i feel, but can this be real? Is this truly how I feel, after what hes going through can he truly be feeling this.

But you do, and I do and together we have been for 3 weeks now. And OMG what a 3 weeks it has been! Every thing we have shared, dreams, hope, desires….and so much more. You are everything I have wanted, If I could have drawn a “perfect” companion (and all girls do), it would be you, tho I just didn’t know where I would find you. Ah but fate played a fine trick there too my love didn’t she, all though it is perfect in its complications. In order to be together we must give up our roots and plant them together elsewhere. The ultimate commitment.

And I love you…..and you love me too….and together…ahh together anything is possible.

I love you, My Darling, My Heart

To Be Continued….

I recently (like 5 or so minutes ago) heard some news of a dear dear friend of mine.
While i’m very happy for her.
My heart is crushed, I’m angry, and very very worried.
I’m goona go find something to break.
there goes my happy day

Best Friends Forever? I guess we both thought it was. Yet it is now one year ago that it all ended abruptly.

I first met him when I joined a small town ‘gang’ (pffft, ya right, dream on suckah’s!), we weren’t the best of friends yet back then, but it wasn’t before long we started to do stuff together. Too bad it was always the exact same thing.

He mentioned he used before, I didn’t know to what degree, though I suspect not a whole lot. First time I only took a few hits, never having touched the stuff before. Didn’t feel much until later when I was laying in my bed. The room started to spin and I was focusing on the music that was playing. (I don’t remember if I was actually listening to music or if it was just in my head.)

The next day I shared my experience with him and it wasn’t before long before we both started to use it every weekend. ‘Course all that just led to looking forward to the weekends so much we’d say “screw it” and use it whenever we could. Over time that just led to full on 24/7 drug usage. First thing when you wake up, last thing before going to sleep.

Altogether I estimate we spent about 50,000 USD on it over the years, but that’s a cautious estimate, I fear it could easily be double that amount. Money that surely could’ve been put to better use. I’m also not very proud of the means we used to acquire some of that money.

It may have been him that got us hooked, but it was me that kept us going. Always saying I simply could not live without it, that I needed it. What a horrible lie that turned out to be though, ’cause I’m doing just fine without it and I have no intention of ever touching the stuff again.

We did quit cold turkey once which lasted for about 2 years, but “once an addict, always an addict”. You can take away the drug but not the addiction, that is what stays with you for the rest of your life. You may not even want to use it, but your body will. Every time you walk past a ‘coffeeshop’ or a bunch of kids smoking, you will want it, even if just for a second.

It fucked up my life, BIG TIME, and at a BAD time. I was supposed to be doing things. Learning, growing, building, working. But barely anything of that ever happened ’cause I would rather be sitting completely narcotized at home watching TV or playing video games.

We became stuck in patterns, mostly caused by our drug abuse which seemed to determine all our actions. Each time failing when one of us tried to break the routine, ’cause drugs ain’t cheap when you’re using that much so why spend money on anything else?

So was that all we were..? Drug buddies? No, we were friends, but gradually it became just about the drugs. Yet even though that is true, it was the lack of open and honest communication that really killed our friendship in the end.

The night before he left we still played some Nintendo as usual (Mario Kart 64 I believe), he went home and in my mind I had no reason to think that it would be the last time we’d ever talk.

The next day I called him as usual. His cell was off. Later I found out he was with his parents who pretty much always had a grave dislike toward me, though on occasion I have had a decent conversation with his father. I always tried being nice and courteous to them, but I guess preconceived notions are a hard thing to get rid off.

I saw him come home later that day (he used to live like 50 feet away from me, in the same apartment complex) and I went out to the hall to greet him but he just quickly ran up and shut his door. Still not having a clue I followed him up as he quite often was in his own world completely oblivious to his surroundings, but there was no response when I got there.

Several hours and a one-line email from him later it started to dawn on me what had happened. The pain was excruciating, I had so many different thoughts, I was very angry with him.

I choose not to get into the fine details of what transpired that day, but suffice to say it should never have come to all that in the first place. The cops should never have been needed to call.

Even though he told my mother he would still act normal and be civil if we were to run into each other, every time that did happen he just looked away, never said a single word. Several weeks later he moved into a new apartment away from me.

For 15 years he was my best friend, but honestly that was mostly in the early years, later on we simply stuck together out of familiarity and not knowing what to do if we did go our own separate ways. It was simply him that finally did it, and I don’t blame him. I didn’t enjoy the way he did it, but I understand the reasons why he had to.

I’m not an easy person to be around with, and it certainly was very hard for him. He would literally fall asleep, not out of boredom, not because he wanted to count sheep, but because his mind just could not handle that kind of labor.

It was never my intend, but I’m afraid I influenced him too much as well. I projected my personality on him, dejected him, and infected him with my opinions.

I do hope he’s happy now, I check up on him sometimes (yay for the internet!) and see how he’s doing. He really is better off now, we both are. I wish him all the best.

[An extremely short version, but the past is gone and cannot be undone.]

Is anybody out there?
Yooooouuuhoooo

^_^

I was stumbling a few days ago, and I came upon this web site
http://www.losingmyreligion.com
it’s filled with essays faqs and such in relation to religion.
Take a look
in turn it sent me to this
http://www.achristianandanatheist.com
where a christian and an atheist chat why their a christian and an antheist in a nice respectful manor, it more like two friends having a productive converstation give them a listen :D

<3

I live..
I breath…

I love you…

ahh sweet life

Oh my love has it only been 10 days ! feels like a lifetime and yet only like yesterday…everyday is a present, every word a gift. The time we spend together is magic .. Talking every waking second and even messages when i am asleep ^_^ Just to let me know, your thinking of me. Even in my dreams you are there, tho even that is a new toture…to be so close then to wake and know your not here … how i long for the day when you will be here just to see you smile and hear your voice.

For so long I have known…i knew your heart..i knew mine…both of us unable to respond to what we knew somewhere deep inside..time to heal…time to grow …time to be….best friends…so much more to be..

so then my love…where do we go from here? so many roads..but where do they all lead…ahh it does not matter where they lead as long as we travel that road together…as long as i have you in my life…every day

Ahh once again my love, i feel i know your thoughts and whats in your heart…ahhh so much to think about there…but i am a very literal person so I do not (try not) to make assumptions as to what you are saying…(asking?)
So just a hint…be direct…

So many questions…there? …here? …yes..no ….ahh never no …then..now….when..ahhhh so much ..i know what i want …but ….hmm it is all so much … you make it seem so easy! ahh yes so easy, but i guess you’ll learn i like to complicate things…i also think and talk things to death…i want details..to know everything, all possibilitys..any posibilitys…
so what can i say …what would i say …..what would i want to say…so many thoughts…i know the answers..

Ahh its been 5 min since i heard you talk… to long …too long..i crave the sound of your voice!

I am so glad I met you, glad I know you and i thank the gods for this oppertunity to be a part of your world and to have you in mine..

You are everything to me, ahh yes everyone says that to everyone else every time …but in this moment in this time you ARE my everything, my love, my heart, my breath…My Darling

Now its time for me to dream again, and I pray that you are there…even if just to be near you for a few hours before daylight…I live for “someday”..

Ahh my love how i miss you, where are you..its been 6 minutes now…

I have been meaning to put up this blog entry for quite a while, but I was never able to finish it until now. I got.. distracted a lot. Yeah, let’s call it that.

Love isn’t just blind, it can also be blinding. How did I not see this before? She is always there for me, night and day, and always has been. She is my love, my world, my life. I would be totally lost without her. I love her deeply, madly, insanely, completely.

I’ve known her for a quite some time, and we already talked on a daily basis way back when, but now it just turned into a non-stop dialog, which really is no exaggeration. I am burning a hole through my Skype credit so fast that by now a small moon could pass through. If not for Ventrilo and the rest, I would be broke by now.

So how did I miss all the signs?

Looking back, it is obvious my heart already knew it for a long time, but my mind was just completely stuck. On the days I went out, I missed her terribly and I would be thinking about her, calling her, and one day I even found myself writing down parts of a song about her.

But I just kept blocking it, pushing those thoughts away while my torment continued. Only when that passed I finally saw what I was so oblivious to. But even though she had mentioned a few things here and there I was not sure about how she felt, so I took some time to reflect and meditate on my thoughts while I cleansed my mind.

When I finally expressed my feelings for her, she said she already knew. Which didn’t really came as a surprise, as she knows me so well. Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself, which is no small feat. My thoughts, my feelings, my wants and needs. And not only that, she even knows how to answer all of those things. It felt great when she said she loved me too.

I held back for a few days, but then I finally started to let go of my fears and decided to let fate guide us to wherever it wants us to be. And wow! Before I knew it, we went straight off the beaten path and right into the wild and unexplored forest.

She is everything I ever wanted, everything I ever wished for, but I thought a girl like that was just a fantasy. All my life I thought that she didn’t exist, that I would never be able to honestly call someone my equal, that it would be impossible to find someone like that, so I never looked for her. Yet, here she is.. And she was standing right next to me all this time. I just didn’t see it.

She loves me, and damn.. She is making my dreams come true! Oh God could life be any better than this?

I could go on and on, and I certainly will write more about her in future blog entries, but this will have to do for now. I just needed to write all this down already as it has been in my head for so long now.

My precious, I love you!

Very slowly I am trying to rebuild my music collection. Even though music has always been a big part of my life I don’t really own a whole lot of CDs. Well, once upon a time I did, but that was all illegal MP3s and has been destroyed/deleted/removed.

A lot of music I used to listen to has been permanently burned into my brain by listening to it so much. So there was no real need to get a lot of it back, I’m doing it mostly for nostalgia sake and the fact I want to be able to blast something loud into my ears when I don’t wanna be bothered by my noisy surroundings. (which is pretty much always.)

Some of the things I have bought include the entire Metallica collection (bought all that in one go), Helloween - Keeper of the Seven Keys part 1 (still need to get part 2), and in the past few days I bought the latest Rammstein CD Rosenrot (OMG that Mann Gegen Mann video is so icky!) and two Iron Maiden CDs, Live After Death and Somewhere In Time.

There’s still a lot I would like to buy, such as tons of Frank Zappa CDs (Joe’s Garage especially), Marillion - Misplaced Childhood, and so much more….

Yesterday I spent some time playing on the Ibanez I intend to purchase and messed around with a BOSS delay FX pedal. The guitar is nothing too fancy really, but it’s ‘complete’ as in it’s lightweight, has 24 frets, 2 humbuckers, Floyd Rose double locking system, very smooth neck, etc..

It’s certainly not as pretty as my current Samick as the Ibanez is just black with silver but mine’s getting old and I mainly just use it for (double) tapping at the moment. And it’s heavy, which sucks, heh.

The BOSS delay FX pedal was nice to play around with, it had a good variety of settings and easy to set up. Played around with it for at least an hour but I didn’t buy it (yet), though I did order a BOSS power adapter as I already own several of their FX pedals but I’m lacking in power. And somehow I managed to misplace one of the adapters, can’t find it anywhere.

I really do need to get a new main amp as well, ’cause I blew up my old one a while ago. So I now often use my PC as an amp while using a Zoom multiFX pedal as a pre-amp which is far from perfect.

Anyway, don’t think I’m not working the SOP album, ’cause I am, but you just can’t rush art. ^_~