Just as I thought she would, she did indeed message me today. She said she “wasn’t ready”, and that she did not understand why I love her. She says I do not love her. Well to be more precise, she says: “I need to believe that”.

She suffers from a great lack of self-esteem, I’d even go as far as saying she is filled with some form of self-hatred. Always feels she is not good enough. Sadly, she also does everything to make sure it stays like that, destroying all the good that comes her way.

They didn’t react as fast as I thought they would, but here’s the message I got today:

SOR: You have been banned from the Saga of Ryzom.Due to the circumstances listed here, we regret to inform you that you have been banned from the Saga of Ryzom: For continued abuse of another player (started under a previous account) in direct contravention of the codes of conduct.

Abuse? Hardly. In fact this is simply due to the fact that she called a Game Master (GM) on me several months ago after I told her I was talking to another girl. She completely freaked, as she always did at the sheer mention of another girl, saying things such as “Fine, be happy with her!”, “I hope she dies!”, and then she told this GM I was harassing her.

I tried to talk her out of it but she did it anyway. Only a few minutes later she already contacted me again, she was crying and she said she was sorry. Which is typical behaviour of her, pushing me away only to come back herself a while later. Several days later she told me to talk to her ‘in game’ again, but seeing she never undid her harassment claim, it eventually led to this.

Of course this very GM was the one I had been talking to for many months already about her. He knew almost every detail of what happened, and what she told me. He shared with me his life stories and we talked a lot about various things. Since it is private I cannot tell you the details of this but he certainly recognized very well what I was going through.

One time I actually got him to port over to her, and give her a personal message for me. Which is breaking the rules of GM’s, which he told me could’ve gotten him into trouble, but he did it for me regardless. He did tell me to never ask that again though. He has been very helpful to me all this time, for which I am very grateful, we talked for many hours almost daily.

He also told me the same thing everyone else kept telling me. That she is messed up, and I’m better off forgetting her and should move on with my life. But like I’ve said before, even when it was me who tried to leave her she would not let me. She would have a fit, screaming bloody murder, even threatening that she would never speak to me again if I left. (anyone see the irony in that?) And she knew exactly what to say to make me stay or make me come back.

As I wrote here yesterday, she lied to me last night. While thinking about it some more that fact just became more and more apparent. Her last words were almost like a recitation. Words spoken that she thought I needed to hear to move on. And in a way she was right, I pretty much asked her to do this to ease my suffering.

Why did she lie? Because of the one thing that she kept repeating, the same thing everyone else told me. That I deserved better. She was not wrong in saying that, we both knew it. The closer I came to her, the more she realized that she could not give me what I wanted, what I needed, so she did this instead.

I know it’s crazy, but I miss her.

Her parting words were nothing more than a pack of lies, and she should know better than that. We’ve shared too much for it to be true what she said. Even if what she said weren’t lies, that would just mean she lied even more during it all. Either way, she lied to me.

Since I was aware of what she did last time, her leaving me did not completely destroy me this time around. No, I came prepared with shields raised and was ready for the worst. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt, it hurt like hell, but at least it was not totally unexpected.

So now I am gone forever, and finally I know how this chapter of my life ends. In other words, more writing to be done. I have almost every written conversation with her logged, every piece of poetry conserved. I may turn it into a grand musical piece a la Marillion, I don’t know yet. I am not ready to face it all right now.

She has a lot of issues, and I was fully aware of her problems. But I was willing to take her with all of them. Nevertheless, it was what ultimately did us in. She could not be honest to me, and even though she kept saying she was sorry for the things she did, she kept on doing them just the same.

She said she was trying to change, trying to get better, which was the main reason I even gave this another chance at all. But nothing did change, nothing at all.

I guess the people that actually read this are wondering why I even loved her in the first place, and all I can say is that even though she put me through hell, the good times we shared were absolutely beautiful. It were moments of indescribable bliss, when she would finally lower those walls around her and let me bathe in her light.

That light has faded though, I have not seen it for a very long time. I had hoped that when I did came back to her she would show it to me again, but sadly, it was the opposite that happened. She turned into her alter ego; heartless.

And yet, even after all this, I’m still too good a person to hate her. I still love her, but the person I love is dead. She buried her. I tried my best to find her, but she was gone. What once was so easy for me to find has dissapeared, so there’s nothing left for me to go back to.

I truly hope she will get some professional help to deal with her problems, she will need to if she ever wants to be able to love someone fully, and unconditionally. And I still wish nothing more than the best for her, so I hope she finds what she’s looking for some day.

So now it is time for me to grieve, to be in sorrow over what I have lost, and then I will have to move on and try and find that someone special for me, who I know is out there.

I live to love, and I will die for mine.

[ The above has been written almost instantly after it happened. ]

Lack of blog updates due to the crappy illness not going away, so I’ve been sleeping a lot. Blah. While it is getting somewhat better I am still hurting, still leaking, bleeding, coughing, sneezing, blah blah..

I am also suffering on a different level, if you think about it for a minute I am sure you can figure out why..

That’s right, I’m clearly certifiable..

Haven’t really done anything too interesting lately…Just been lounging around and texting a couple really nifty folks that I met over the internet.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, I must pimp my new crack. Vault!! -kisses his bottle- I like calling it Surge 2.0 though. If you remember Surge from back in the day, and you really liked it, then you just might like Vault. It’s about 95% the same recipe. Greatest fucking soda on the market right now. I also think The Coca-Cola Company has laced it with crack, just like Surge. I had my first bottle on Thursday, and since I’ve averaged about 3 20 oz bottles a day(mostly the diet version). That’s right folks! I’m working on killing a kidney! RAWR!

Click the above link to enter a nifty fansite of this wonderful drink. Vaultkicks.org. Join us!!!Now, I know what you’re all asking yourselves. “Has our little Aba sold out?” Well, the answer is simple. Fuck yes. I am a corporate whore and will do the bidding of the all mighty Vault. I’m working on creating an army. We’ve got 3 people so far, and we will kill for you Vault.

If anyone from the Coca-Cola Company wishes to see the SOP site turn green and be plastered with their logos, please contact me at Abalistar (at) siblingsofpain (dot) com. I’m sure we can work something out..Well, at least on my part of the page. The others think I’m addicted and insane. They refuse the power of the Vault….

’til next time, good folks!!

-Abalistar The Coke Whore!

Should’ve seen it coming as I was already feeling kinda weak the past few days. I’m sneezing, coughing, leaking and bleeding. My head hurts like crap, my throat is clogged and I’m cold. When I move too fast it feels like my brain is smashing against the insides of my skull.

I don’t get sick all that often really, apart from a cold every now and then, but when I do get sick it’s usually pretty bad and it can last for quite some time.

I gotta go to the hospital tomorrow to visit my dad so I hope I’m feeling a bit better by then.

Now, I should be off to make myself some food. As soon as I can decide what to make myself that is.

I’m supposed to add like a bunch of blog entries, but I’m friggin’ tired and my hands are cold. :(

Tomorrow I guess..

Weh mir, oh weh..

So I walk out of the archives building (which is where I work) and hop into my dads trunk.
Me: “Hiya Daddy” (yes…I still call my father daddy)
Dad: “Heeeey Beebus, how are you with dead things?”
Me: “as in eating?”
Dad: “one of the little goats”
Me: “…Can we eat him?”

OK so I didn’t get any goat meat (DAMN IT)
but we did bury a goat, as far as we could tell it either chocked or just I dunno died, No wounds or anything.

Sadly today was a kick ass day.

Backhoes are fun
rigormortis is funny
and helpful when moving a dead goat….
dead goats are heavy

Peace

Everything seemed fine this morning, Sol walked in and was purring again, and they all ate when I fed them today. But later this evening Beta started throwing up, and just now Alpha did too.

I don’t know if it’s something in the food or water, or maybe they’re eating trash outside, but I have to take at least one of ‘m to the vet to see if they can figure out what’s wrong with them.

*edit*
Thinking about it made me realize it’s only the 3 males that seem to have this condition, ‘course they’re also the ones who get outside the most. Maybe I shouldn’t rule out poisoning either, there are some cat-haters around here. Bastards.

http://www.siblingsofpain.com/pain/forum/viewtopic.php?t=27

Come, and assist in creating what may be the greatest game of all time!

Any artists would be very nice too. <.<